Tuesday, 1 April 2014

Heroes and Villains III - Average Man

Average Man

It's not every day that you meet a superhero. Schedules tend to fill up pretty quickly. Villain bashings, maiden rescues, world saving, bar crawls, book signings, it's a hectic life. A journalist occasionally has to drop his standards. What the hell, you take what you can get. Ladies and gentlemen, Mindsweeper presents: Average Man.

Mindsweeper: Interesting moniker there…

Average Man: What?

M: Name, mate. Interesting name. I'd have thought a superhero would go for something a little more… impressive.

AM: Well, it wasn't actually my choice.

M: Superheroes don't choose their own names?

AM: No. Not even their own powers.

M: How does it work then?

AM: You apply to the Council of Superheroes to become a new super, and you're allocated a name and powers. You are allowed to apply for a change every five years, but it's not guaranteed. Depends on your timing, plus there's a lot of competition for the big powers.

M: Buy you said you just apply for them… that gives me the impression it's all just paperwork.

AM: Oh yeah, sure, there's a lot of paperwork involved, and I won't mention any names, but I'm pretty sure some of the superheroes are outsourcing the old homework if you know what I mean…

M: Wow. So… what exactly are your powers?

AM: I'm average. Perfectly average in every respect. Designed to appeal to comic book readers with low self-esteem.

M: Pretty big market.

AM: Well, yes. My revenues are far in excess of the average.

After a laughter break of average length, and a coffee break of rather more superhuman proportions, we resumed the interview.

M: So, if you are, effectively powerless, who on Earth do you fight?

AM: My main enemy is Inadequatron, the clumsy robot overlord. I've taken on far nastier villains though, Reaper, Hollowheart, Vampira… and as I say, I've had my fair share of losses.

M: Averaging out?

AM: Exactly. Many of these stories have become boring and predictable haven't they? "OH NO! THEY'VE GOT THE SUPERHERO! HE'S GOING TO DIE! Oh wait, he used his superpowers to get out of trouble and kick someone right off the planet" or whatever. It's just so mediocre. I get that people love it, and I enjoy them too, but sometimes you just need a break from it all, don't you?

M: So not bitter then?

AM: I used to be a supervillain. Feargiver. One Christmas, several orphanages complained to the Civil Liberties Union. The Council of Superheroes upheld the ruling and I was demoted. That's life though right?

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