Journals

I've not been journalling every day. Partly I've been lazy, partly (and more importantly) I think I've not been willing to confront emotions particularly ones I find negative as though they're somehow indicative of me being a failure, a fuck up, a bad person. That's only a reaction though, isn't it? Just how I'm choosing to assess the situation. If all things are transient, so our miseries must be as fleeting as our joys. So I am neither failure or success. I am caught somewhere between the two. Struggling and maintaining the same position. Why struggle? Why strain to be liked or loved by people? If their affection is given, good. If their affection is chased, how low are we willing to sink our status? Even this status game is fleeting too. So it must be.

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When I was a kid I used to pretend raindrops were racing one another as they slid down a windowpane. I used to be excited at the idea of one drop beating another. It shows how we can create a situation and mould ourselves by it. There was no winner. It's just a thought. We create such elaborate bullshit. It's quite amazing really. We think that's the way things are. All we've done is pick an arbitrary point and stuck to it. We don't have to always stay with that choice. We don't have to beat ourselves to a pulp emotionally because of any of these choices either. Of course, we could choose to if we wanted...

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I have, like many others, attached such emotional weight to ephemeral circumstance. Like the bad goth poetry of my teens, I've clung to what I thought was more than reality was giving me. In relationships, pushing aside for a moment my faults and failings, I've been with people who've gone on to (for want of a better phrase) bigger and better people. Not necessarily using "better" here as any value judgement, but better for them, their circumstance. At least it seems that way, or seemed that way at one point. Should I be sad then, knowing that what they gave me as a person wasn't meant for me? Or be happy knowing we shared something special despite me being the wrong person for them? Maybe a bit of both, not fully keeping either. No clinging this time, just a shifting equilibrium, dependent on brain chemistry I have some control over but not absolute control. I can choose not to be sad about it all though, and that's what matters to me as I write this.