Thursday, 6 September 2018

ChimpyFest Reviews. Sort of

So Chimpyfest rolls round again.

And I've been reviewing things lately.

Thing is, Chimpyfest doesn't exactly lend itself to standing about with a notepad scribbling away.

Following a chat with Martin from the mighty Lifewrecker (playing Sunday), I decided to do a mini best of cobbled together from what I can remember from the last few years.

Famine - fast smashy grind. I got used as a toy airplane by a giant. 10/10 would mosh again


Horsebastard - the kind of band who wouldn't break eye contact if you caught them fucking your mum. Riffs that piss in your beer and shit in your cornflakes. Screams that hate your miserable fucking face. Don't annoy them. 8.5/10
Gout - Gout are a bunch of cunts who play fucking horrible goregrind. The riffs are good and they wear Hawaiian shirts. RIP Eddie. :( 8/10
Dysteria - 'so what's it like being a woman in a...' shut up you fucking prick, Jill would rip your fucking face off. While soundchecking. Savage hardcore that gives your ears a battering for asking such stupid fucking boring questions. Dickhead. 9/10

Atomçk - Good lads, very very fast, real classic savage grindcore. Imagine if Dark Souls was a grindcore band. You Have Died. 9/10

Tools of the Trade - A timely reminder that street cans are for utter utter cunts (like me) who miss half a set played tighter than a Scotsman in a racist joke. Everything hurt afterwards as I tried to catch up for lost headbanging. Twat. 10/10
Dog Eggs - Fun, fast hardcore that makes me want to jump about while pissed on Polish lager. 7/10  
Reproach - Blistering hardcore that will rip your bollocks off if you're not careful, like a haunted zipper in a b-movie horror. Turns out they're very friendly offstage, but a jagged bulldozer to the face onstage. 10/10
Agathocles - Imagine being absolute titans of a genre, so much so that people have travelled across the world, just to see you at a tiny grindcore festival in that there London. Now imagine you get completely fucking trollied before playing forget not only how to play your own songs, but seemingly how to play guitar completely and falling over into the drumkit. No wonder the Tories keep winning if our elite on the Left are feckless cunts of this order. I wasn't even there to witness it. Devastated, you absolute barons of shit. At least it was decent fodder for the kind of arsebreathing Daily Mail journos wanking on about how Antifa are horrid bullies and metal is just a load of noise. Cunts. 0/10 [The failure was documented on tape, and on graffiti in the gents toilets.]

Honourable mentions -

HotCops
Boak
SixBrewBantha
Meinhof
Brainshit
Chiens
Looking For An Answer
Flowers of Flesh and Blood
The crust punk who splashed himself with piss when going for a slash up the side of a van, then loudly asked his mates for a line of speed after admitting pissing on himself. 
Buckfast

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